how to deal with a friendship break-up

one plants, one waters.

Have you ever had a friendship breakup? Have you ever wondered why some people come and go into your life? Do you ever get why some friends stay longer than others? Have you been hurt by a friend who just stopped being your friend out of nowhere? This is how I dealt with a friendship breakup.

It’s life and it happens. 

But at the same time, it’s spiritual, never personal. 

That’s a saying I have lived by and truly grasped because once you understand every relationship in your life is spiritual, tested, sent, and allowed by God you see people differently. Whenever you feel offended or hurt by a person you hold dearly, if you see with spiritual eyes, you know it’s never personal, but it’s the spirit operating behind the person. I’m not saying people are demon possessed, I am speaking about the spirits and principalities that roam and rule the world. 

Ephesians 6:12 (AMP)

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood [contending only with physical opponents], but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this [present] darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) places.

If I lie, I am operating in a lying spirit. If I am a manipulative person, I am operating in a manipulative spirit. If I am angry and quick to be angered, I am operating in an angry spirit. 

Vice Versa, if I am hopeful, loving, joyful, kind, etc., I am operating out of the fruits of the Holy Spirit. 

I say this because we are often hurt by people, especially by people closest to us. 

Recently, I have gone through a season of pruning, where God has removed or distanced some important people in my life. These people were considered my best friends and people I truly did life with. People who have seen the good, bad, and ugly with me. 

As life changes, so do people, and although it hurts when people leave, sometimes it is needed for our growth. 

I’m saying all of this because recently in communication with my close family and friends, I would tell them “I am okay being the person who either plants a seed or waters them in their lifetime, because ultimately, God gets the increase.” 

I remember telling this to my sister out of surrendering the need to keep a friendship alive after feeling like the friendship became one-sided and not edifying anymore. 

As Christians, it hurts when we have to let go or surrender people in our lives because we want to keep everyone in our life or see people receive salvation after you have spent years praying for them. But that’s not reality. In Ecclesiastes 3:1, Solomon says “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven…”

Emphasis on “for everything there is a season.” This includes anything and everything, such as friendships and relationships.

This past year, I have had to let go of so many friendships and it hurt so much, but I understood, it is spiritual and not personal! The quicker you grasp that, the sooner you can move on and realize the time you had with them, you either planted a seed or you watered a seed that was already planted. 

What does this mean? 

1 Corinthians 3:6-9 (NIV)

6 I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. 7 So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. 8 The one who plants and the one who waters have one purpose, and they will each be rewarded according to their own labor. 9 For we are co-workers in God’s service; you are God’s field, God’s building.

In your time of friendship, did you plant a seed of the Good News into their life? In your time of friendship, did you show them what it meant to be a Christian? In your time of friendship, did you point them to Jesus? In the duration of your friendship did you shower them with words of encouragement and exhortation? Did you help water the seeds that were once planted in their life? Did you help them grow in their faith? 

As you reflect on your friendships, can you go back and say “Yes, I did plant a seed or water a seed.” 

In the past, I would be so hurt if a friend left my life because of some petty thing, but now, I understand people come into our lives for a reason and season. Some stay longer than others and that’s okay. Now, for however long my friendship endures with someone, I am liable for my own actions and reactions. My duty as a Christian is to make sure whoever comes into my life receives an accurate representation of what it means to be someone who loves and lives like Jesus. 

With that, am I going to be the person who plants a seed to an unbeliever who hasn’t received the gift of salvation, or am I going to be a person who helps lead someone to sanctification and transformation as they cultivate their faith? Either way, God gets the increase, but as someone who is going to be used by God, we have to make sure we are obedient and open to either plant or water a seed. 

Just like Paul said in 1 Corinthians, the one who plants and waters have one purpose. What is that purpose? The answer is in Matthew 28:18-20, where Jesus explains the Great Commission. 

Matthew 28:18-20 (NIV) 

“Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

All in all, be okay to be the person who either plants or waters a seed. I had to be okay being a person who just planted a seed, and be okay not being the person who waters. I had to be okay being a person who waters, but if that person leaves my life out of nowhere, I have to be okay with that, and trust God will get the increase in due time. 

The biggest lesson I want whoever is reading to understand is surrender the friendship or relationship. Remember if people come and go, do not take it personally, it is spiritual. God is either doing a work in you or to the other person. Every person is a lesson to be gained or learned. Most importantly, be a person who plants a seed or waters a seed, and leave an impact on anyone you come into contact with. 

That is our purpose. 

Dear Heavenly Father, 

I pray for the reader on the other side of this screen. I pray over their friendships and relationships. May every single relationship in their life be edified and rooted in you, Jesus. I pray for fruitful friendships over their life. Lord, I pray for the seeds they plant to be planted on good ground and soil. I pray for the seeds they water to be watered by the Living Water only you can give, Jesus. Lord, we thank you that in everything we do to plant a seed or water a seed, You will get the increase at the end of the day. We thank you that once you have started something, you will finish it until it’s complete. Thank you for always pursuing us, even when we kept running away. We pray for every soul who is running away to come back and run towards You. May you meet them and find them in a way that makes them turn back to the One who created them. We thank you Lord for your Love, Grace, and Mercy. In Jesus Name, Amen.